To The Pain

Those familiar with Princess Bride may remember this famous speech by the other Wesley. It has little to do with what I'm about to share, but it came to me in a flash, a way to spark a humorous memory, a buffer if you will, before this mini-essay on pain.

When I was in my early 20's, I made a conscious decision never to do drugs, or drink to excess drunkenness. On the former, I have been successful; on the latter, perhaps a handful of times. A bachelor party here, a traumatic death there. This decision came not from any moralistic or high-minded ideals. No. The reason was more private, perhaps even absurd. You see, I realized that I actually wanted to feel the pain and joys of life, unfiltered. I wanted life raw, I wanted it without illusions.

Now you might be thinking to yourself, "So what? I never had to make a conscious decision for such restraint." So right you would be. Yet if you are like me, you might have faced a similar choice. So very often I feel as though I have an open wound to the world, an exposed nerve that cries out with every murder reported, exalts at every accomplishment, becomes enraged at each injustice, deplores each hypocritical stance, loves at first sight, wonders at the beauty in the world. It is a Self that cannot forget my tiniest failure, forever critical of my own accomplishments, anxiously waiting for the day when everyone discovers the fraud that I am.

And in it all, no matter what I do, I feel utterly powerless to change anything.

So it is in this that I feel a certain empathy for those great artists who turn to drugs or alcohol or any number of numbing, coping mechanisms. I don't claim to be as gifted, talented, prolific as these great masters. But if the emotions I feel are even one-tenth, one-hundredth as intense as theirs was, I understand. I don't condone numbing, anesthetized emotions; many artists manage to fight through, bounce back, temper their emotions. But I understand it.

Philip Seymour Hoffman, Hemingway, Joplin...the list is long. Too long. Fight to survive, fight for love, because if you don't, darkness wins.



Let Me Tell You About A Girl (part 3 of 3)

Let me tell you a story
about two soul mates who never met;
one too bruised to leap once more,
the other too guarded to invite him in.
Both too wounded
to love again.